Somewhere Around Barstow...

Turd

2012-01-01T22:08:00.000-08:00

I have nothing at all to say. Isn't that fucking wonderful?

EDIT: Sorry; drunk posting.

More Weirdness

2011-12-12T19:16:00.000-08:00

"BURS IN HEL AFDTER BEINGJ REPEATLY RAPED AND SODOMIZED ALONG WITH HER GOD DAMN PIT BULL!!!! I HOPE YOU ALL DIE AND GO TO HELL!"

Then fuck off.

"You have YOUREN NERVE TALKING BAOUT ME!!!!"

Sorry? Aren't you the one who came to my blog unprovoked and told me to burn in hell?

"MY KIDS HATE ME"

Can't imagine why.

Anyway, later there was more irrelevant babble about dogs or whatever. Let me first commend you on how much better your spelling was this time around, and then politely ask that you stop posting here.

COMING SOON...

2011-11-22T16:50:00.000-08:00

THE IDIONTS OF ASHAMEAD AND THE CURSE OF THE BELOONG

THE HOPEL OF BURS-AFDTER

YOUREN BAOUT AND THE UNDERTANS OF ANOLY

...

Well, I thought it was funny.

Point-by-Point

2011-11-20T16:51:00.000-08:00

I got an angry comment regarding my "Bad Night... IN HELL!!!" story. Rather than have a Big Stupid Internet Fight about it, I'm going to take it point by point and try to explain to this person (who will remain nameless) why I disagree with his/her points.

"Oh that is just disgusting!"

I agree; that's why it's funny. It's certainly not for everyone, and I understand completely if you found it to be in poor taste. That was kind of the point. I nearly got my ass kicked by a bunch of idiots, and so wrote this story to amuse myself.

"yOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMEaD OF YOURSELF FOR POSTING SUCK GARrrBAGE!"

Umm... No. It's a joke. A stupid, juvenile joke, no doubt, but a joke nonetheless. I realize it's not everyone's cup of tea, which is why I decided to put up the 18+ warning so people know ahead of time that there's potentially upsetting content.

"How culd you ave something like this arund the intrnert?!"

The Internet, as we all know, is normally a bastion of good taste. But seriously, have you SEEN some of the shit on places like 4Chan, ED, etc.? The stuff on here is no more disgusting than the average South Park episode, and those are broadcast on national television. It's certainly in poor taste, but it's nothing society-destroying, as you suggest.

"aND TO THIHNK YOU COULD BE A FUTURE LEADER OF aMERIKA IS JUST HORRIFRYING Beyand all mesureQQ!"

Please don't be so condescending. I'm not claiming the story as high art; it's stupid. I know it's stupid, which is why, having an extremely immature sense of humor, I found it funny.

"YOU OUGHT TO BE THROWN IN JAIL FOR THIS!"

Really? You want to live in a country where people can be thrown in prison for writing stupid shit on the internet? I hear North Korea is lovely this time of year.

"You ArE the very peaple that Craven Desires talks abot!"

I'll admit I had to google "Craven Desires." It sounds like a porn star, but it's actually a blog about dog abuse. I don't see how that's relevant at all to posting a silly story on my blog. So no, I'm NOT the very people he/she talks about. I've never abused an animal, and I hate people who do. In case you didn't realize, what you read was a story. There aren't really sheep-fucking vampires running around.

"YoU beloong in hell"

Really? Eternal damnation? You've never met me. You "know" me through one stupid gross-out story I posted online. And that's enough to say I should be tortured for eternity. I think that says more about you than it does about me.

"Signed, (who cares), Who Hates Idionts AND PEOPLE WHO LOVE GUARDING/FIGHTING/Molestar Dogs!"

Once again, this person seems to be under the impression that I have somehow hurt dogs by posting a story about evil vampire jocks who gain sustenance from fucking sheep. I reiterate: I've never hurt a dog in my life.

I'll let "idionts" speak for itself.

"All of ypu deserve to be in jails abd heil student, child, Marine or otherwise!"

I have confess I have no idea what this part is supposed to say.

Bottom line, though: I'm sorry if I offended you, but I have every right to post goofy fiction on my blog. If you don't like it, don't read it. Just please don't spam the comments with nonsense.

Thanks,

Upchuck Von Googinheimer IV, King of the Moon.

18+ WARNING

2011-11-20T01:44:00.000-08:00

Yes, there's now an 18+ screen you have to click through to see the blog. The AvP2 board has had some pretty young members in the past, so I didn't want them to wind up reading some of the raunchier stuff on here by accident.

Bad Night... IN HELL!!!!

2011-11-19T23:17:00.000-08:00

EDIT: Having looked over Blogger's terms and conditions, I've found that this story (which involved me hunting down and killing affliction shirt-wearing vampires who fuck sheep for sustenance.) technically violated the rules. I've removed it.

But to the 3 people who regularly read this blog, fear not! I am currently re-working it to "censor" all the offensive content, which will involve replacing all instances of [POOPY], or references to [YAK FARTS] with far-more ridiculous words so as to bring it up to the Blogger standard.

I do this because I have entirely too much free time.

SLEEP? HAHAHAHAHA. WHAT IS SLEEP?

2011-10-07T08:57:00.000-07:00

I don't need it, I tell you. I have evolved beyond sleepytime. Yes. This means I can have milk and cookies any damn time I want.

LET THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY KNOW THE ACID TASTE OF FEAR.

Planet of the Apes Was The Shit

2011-08-10T18:16:00.001-07:00

This has nothing to do with the post about bears I was making, but holy fuck. ROTPOTA was awesome, especially since I get to call it "ROTPOTA," which sounds like a rejected Pokemon. It also sounds vaguely diseased to me.

BEARPOCALYPSE

2011-08-03T18:17:00.000-07:00

BUILDING MACHINES AND WHAT THEY DO: Charming children's book, or chilling tome foretelling the Apocalypse?

At the humble age of 5, I received the aforementioned book for Christmas. In my youth, I saw it only as a cute story designed to teach kids about construction equipment. Coming back to it in my adulthood, a much more sinister narrative reveals itself.

You will note that the book's illustrations are mostly realistic save for one bizarre turn from reality: the complete lack of human beings. Other animals such as birds and dolphins are present, but humanity is nowhere to be found. In our place, as if it were the most normal thing in the world, are cartoon bears.

The titular building machines are suggestive of late 20th/early 21st century manufacture. They are almost exactly as they were presumably left. Whatever caused humanity to disappear, it must have happened quickly.

TO BE CONTINUED...

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

2011-02-12T07:24:00.000-08:00

I AM FOLLOWING MY OWN BLOG IN AN ENDLESS RECURSIVE LOOP.

Musings on the Cuban Missile Crisis

2011-02-11T22:50:00.000-08:00

The recently-released trailer for the new X-Men film has revealed that the story takes place during the Cuban Missile Crisis. This prompted me to google the Cuban Missile Crisis (I learn history only through movie trailers; I didn't even know 9/11 happened until United 93 came out). I though it was a pretty impressive piece of history, but Crabby has some issues with it in regards to it's accuracy. I'll let him take it from here:

Dear Soft Flesh-Things,

I have seen your trailer for your latest sexy explosion adventure, and it troubles me that you pass these "X-Men" off as the secret reason for the Cuban Missile Crisis. Clearly, you know not of the Kennedy sex-bot.

Your President Kennedy was not a man, but an android suit piloted by a super-intelligent cat known as the Right Honorable Mr. Jingledinglepoo. Cultures around the world tell tales of the unrivaled sexual prowess of this cat. The Kennedy suit, being designed by him, naturally included the most perfect penis in the history of the world.

Ever aspect of the robocock had been slaved over for years; the thickness, the length, the width... Every individual cell of the robocock was rigorously tested until the most perfect combination possible was achieved. Even the number of individual atoms was taken into account.

Those who joke about JFK's erotic conquests know nothing; the suit had bed well over 6000 women before being introduced to Marylin Monroe, and hundreds more after. Nikita Khrushchev, as is well-reported in Secret Histories the world over, was a sexual connoisseur of the highest caliber. He fucked and he was fucked, but he took no pleasure and held no bias; he stood instead as a detached observer, judging each encounter on it's own merits.

He was a harsh critic. A single mistimed pelvic thrust would be noted and cataloged forever in the secret Soviet Sexbook, forever besmirching the thruster's reputation by symbolically destroying their mojo.

Khrushchev had heard tales of the sex-bot, and the entire Cuban Missile Crisis was a sham concocted to test the erotic whiles of the Sexbot. There are no records of what was said during their secret meeting, save for two lines told to me by Mr. Jingledinglepoo at a bar in Cairo:

KHRUSHCHEV: I must break you.

KENNEDY: The only thing that'll be broken by the end of this will be your heart.

What followed is literally indescribable, as it transcended the mortal world into what is known by the Inuit as "Kalukadackdooka" or "The Really, Really, Really Good Fuck." Only a single point was deducted from Kennedy's performance, due to his unfortunate tendency to yell "Oh my er, ah, GOD!" after every third ass slap. Humans, this man's sexual promiscuity saved your lives. Look grateful.

In Eternal Pinchy Contempt,

THE CRAB

Yes, it's really me.

2010-12-12T08:32:00.000-08:00

I would never do something so reckless as lose a password, and am offended by the implication.

I'm Back

2010-10-23T12:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm finally back. If you're wondering what happened to the crab monster fused to my back, I finally managed to scrape it off after a tussle with the local police. Officer Daniels, I'm sorry about the eggs laid in your chest cavity. Rest assured, I'm going to do the right thing here; the child support's in the mail.

Regular readers (as if there were any) will be excited to know that the crab monster has made a full recovery. He's also regained sentience, which means I can finally get some answers out of him. Watch this space.

A Funny Thing Happened to Me...

2010-08-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

If you’re wondering where I’ve been, I was held up by something unexpected.

Apparently, the monster could spit digestive enzymes. Intelligent burrito-derived crustacean that it is, it got the bright idea to spit all over itself to melt it’s chains. It’s a clever one, I’ll give it that. Me, on the other hand? I’m painfully stupid.

You see, I didn’t notice that the creature’s chains had been melted when I came down to feed it. The little rat bastard waited for me to get close, and then charged. I’m not mad, though. Considering it’s behavior the last time it got lose, I was expected the worst. It didn’t eat me, though; it attached itself to me.

Yes, I was surprised too. It seems to be a benevolent, believe it or not. You can see how I would have thought otherwise at first, given how unbelievably painful the process was, but it’s better this way; no need to spend weeks learning to communicate when you share a nervous system, right? Right.

Walking around was a little difficult at first, what with the big green crab monster fused to my spinal cord, but we’ve gotten used to it.

Hell, I don’t know if it’s “we” or “I” anymore… We’re technically two organisms, but we’re sharing nutrients, immune systems, memories, and damn near everything else. It’s a symbiotic relationship. It’s pretty cool, besides the constant thirst, but we’re working on that.

…

Oh, Crabby has something he’d like to say:

“STUPID PRIMATES WHO CALL HOUSE, CEASE TELEMARKETING. I HAVE NO NEED OF YOUR SHOES. MY CRAB FEET ARE SPIKY AND POWERFUL; I NEED NOT YOUR RUNNING SHOES. I WALK THROUGH THE SHARPEST CORAL WITH NO FEAR OF HARM. MY SHELL CANNOT BE BROKEN BY YOUR FLESHY MEAT-HANDS. I WILL PINCH WHOEVER APPROACHES. I AM THE CRAB.”

He thinks they’re trying to eat him, which would be funny if his aggression pheromones weren’t seeping into my system. I kind of want to kill something and lay eggs in it right now, but he says that will pass.

The Monster Has Shed It's Skin

2010-08-26T18:25:00.000-07:00

Oddly enough, it doesn't look much bigger. In fact, I'd say it's sleeker, more streamlined than before. Probably faster, which I'm none too pleased with. It's skin is bright green, with a texture like the skin of a kiwi fruit. I'm goign to feed it; I'll be back with more info after.

I know, I know...

2010-08-26T07:30:00.000-07:00

I know I said I was going to finally interrogate the monster last night, but I got this horrible feeling that if I opened the door to the basement, the hermit would be standing there. You try opening a door with that knowledge.

I need to drink something like mad...

Another Strange Dream

2010-08-26T07:10:00.000-07:00

This time I was on the run from a bootcamp. Except the bootcamp was also a fast food training facility of some kind, where they opened these garage doors and there was a huge desert. "This will be your life" they said. I hated it because there was no water.

I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in a fast food joint, so I ran. Someone in a plastic Chihuahua mask was driving a golf cart with no roof that I managed to climb on to. We outran the Taco facists until falling into a giant many-angled trashcan.

We emerged in some sort of tunnel, which led back into my old living room, allowing it to dovetail into the original dream. I didn't open the door this time, but knew the crab monster was watching me from the rain. My last thought before waking up was "God, am I thirsty..."

I woke up on the floor, by the way.

It Just Occured To Me

2010-08-25T22:55:00.000-07:00

... Why aren't I more freaked out by the fact that I have a big crab monster chained up in my basement? Why didn't I call the cops as soon as the burrito started taking over my trash can? Why did I let it live after it tried to kill me? Most importantly, why the hell am I only thinking this now?

I'm feeding it, keeping it alive, and keeping it sheltered, and I have no idea why. Something's going on here. This is bigger than fast food becoming self-aware. That creature, whatever it is, knows something, and it's going to spill the beans (no pun intended) or I'm going to do... I don't know, something.

So Much For Sleep...

2010-08-25T22:31:00.000-07:00

I guess I should have known better, but I tried to take sleeping pills to get some shut-eye. Big mistake.

I had a horrible nightmare. It began the same way as the hermit dream I told you about last time, except that this time, when the Chihuahua looks at me, he has no eyes. Dripping out of his eye sockets is the disgusting, brown and yellow shit-textured meat pulp that fills the average fast food burrito. He tells me in this horrible demonic voice:

"I WILL FUCK YOUR MIND."

The the fish is on the floor again, but the fish looks like me, and then suddenly I'm being cooked in an oven. I woke up, shot out of bed, and looked at the clock. It had only been about 15 minutes since I'd fallen alseep. It appears I'll be doing this instead of getting any rest. Joy.

Skin Shedding

2010-08-25T20:25:00.000-07:00

I just got back from feeding it again, and I realised it's nearly free of the brownish slime. Now that it's skin is more visible, I can see how stretched out it is. It's definantly eating more regularly; It went through an entire box of dog food in just one day. I have a feeling that soon, like a cicada or a snake, it will shed it's old layer of skin so that it can finally become an adult. What comes after that I have no idea.

Besides the dreams, I've notcied another weird effect: I get really parched when I'm around the monster. As soon as I come back upstairs, I need to drink something. There must be 4 different jugs of orange juice in my refridgerator right now, and I'll probably have polished them all off by the end of the week.

One thing is clear: I am never ever eating at Taco Bell again.

Sleep Trouble

2010-08-25T19:56:00.000-07:00

My sleep schedule is completely fucked.

Every time I try to go to sleep, it's the same vivid, hyper real dream: I'm in my old living room, and it's raining heavily outside. A hermit shows up at my door and asks for room and board. I say "the philosophical implications are bad" and then they guy isn't there. Suddenly I'm on my old couch in my living room, and the Taco Bell/Godzilla cross-promotion from 12 years ago comes on the TV. The one where the Chihuahua is going "Here, leezard leezard leezard..."?

Yeah, it's that commercial, expect the dog then looks right at me and says in Pinhead's voice "THIS WAS NOT FOR YOUR EYES" and then I don't have a body and am just watching a fish flop around on the carpet, which is on fire. Throughout the whole thing, there's a tapping sound I keep hearing. It isn’t actually coming from anywhere, but somehow, I know it's a hermit crab tapping on the glass of it's aquarium.

Every time I wake up from this dream, I feel an overwhelming urge to take a shower.

Physical Description

2010-08-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

I just checked on the monster, so I figured I would describe what it looks like by now.

It's shed the can, which means you can finally see the rest of it. It's 6 long, crab-like legs are attatched to an oval-shaped body (I don't know how it ever fit in the trash can) that terminates into what looks like a stinger in the back.

Up front, in what apparently passes for a head, we've got a leathery pouch that houses the mouth. The actual mouth isn't visible because it's pulled into the pouch like a turtle, and I'm glad. It looks like a cross between one of those circular-mouthed eels and a spider. The skin's texture has changed; it's less burrito, more shellfish. There's still meaty slime all over it, but less than before.

When I came in to feed it, the creature seemed unusually calm. Almost smug, as crazy as that sounds.

Strange Dreams

2010-08-25T08:26:00.000-07:00

I slept better than I expected, considering how many times I woke up last night. I kept having a strange dream where I was in a museum looking at a T-Rex skeleton when all of a sudden there's a TV next to me playing a non-stop loop of a burrito.

Then Jesus shows up, and he tells me that I should let a homeless dude sleep in my colon. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Update, Then Sleep

2010-08-24T23:00:00.000-07:00

I've got the monster chained to the wall in the basement with the door barricaded. For some reason, I can't bring myself to kill it. I'm tired as hell after my little fight; I just want to sleep for right now.

And yes, I will have the baseball bat next to my bed as all times.

Back From Monster Bludgeoning

2010-08-24T19:52:00.000-07:00

I've got a message for William Q. Richards of Will's Wacky Weapons Emporium & Spa:

YOU SON OF A BITCH. That "genuine Native American tomahawk" you sold me broke after one swing. I don't know if you were aware, but I was fighting a goddamn burrito monster at the time; I didn't need the additional stress of having to do it with a wooden stick. As the lovely little abomination was preparing to digest my face, I threw the stick, which thankfully hit the shelf and knocked over the old TV, which knocked the monster out.

I'm fine, by the way. Y'know, couple deep lacerations, no big deal, right? I mean, who needs weapons when you can pull some Rube Goldberg shit? CAN I GET AN AMEN?!

FUCK ME!

2010-08-24T19:24:00.000-07:00

It's eaten the baseball bat. Now that I think of it, the Tomahawk was probably a better choice for fighting a monster off. Live and learn, I guess. Back in a minute...

Oh, God...

2010-08-24T19:06:00.000-07:00

I'm currently typign this from the closet (thank God for laptops). It's broken out of the back room. I don't know if I can fight it off. It's grown to the point where the plastic can is ready to break; I can already see cracks forming in it. I am again reminded of a hermit crab. When they get too big, the shed them, and seek out a new home. And I'm sure you know that. but

It's eaten the cat. Fuck.

I have no idea what my plan of attack will be, but I know it will involve this baseball bat...

Thumping Sound...

2010-08-24T12:40:00.000-07:00

I was getting ready to leave for work when I heard a thumping sound from the back room. Curious, I opened the door to find the burrito creature attempting to walk. It's like a baby deer right now, barely able to coordinate even 2 of it's 6 legs.

Something I've noticed lately is the can itself. It's expanded outwards due to the size of the creature within )it reminds me of a hermit crab a little). It's not a huge can, but it does go up to my knees. My point in mentioning this is that the if the creature gets much bigger than this, it could become dangerous. I'll have to find out what it's intentions are. Wish me luck.

New Developments

2010-08-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

I just looked in on it, and it's legs are developing faster than I expected. It currently has something like club feet, but I suspect that will change as it grows. The opening of the can has been almost completely covered by what appears to be a circular mouth. There is something moving inside of it, but I'm not stupid enough to reach in and find out. I am apparently stupid enough to leave this thing alive, but there it is.

It's moving around and making noises regularly. I suspect it will want to stretch it's legs before too long which will be a problem, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, I've been feeding it dog food and given it plenty of space.

It's Alive

2010-08-23T21:08:00.000-07:00

It's begun moving around on it's own. It can't go far because it's so underdeveloped, but that won't last. It's "feelers" keep getting bigger, and I suspect they'll grow into full-on legs before too long. I locked it in the back room before things got out of control, and let me tell you: the little bastard is stronger than it looks. I managed to get it in there, and will observe it more carefully in the future. And by that I mean "crack the door, take a look, and run like hell."

I'm telling you, those legs are going to be trouble.

If you need me, I'll be off cleaning the shit out of my pants. I can only hope THAT doesn't attain sentience, too.

More Noise, and Some Other Things...

2010-08-23T17:21:00.000-07:00

The thing in the can is making noises pretty regularly now. It's a gurgling noise, like an empty stomach. The bits out over the sides have extended and hardened; they look like they'll grow into feelers of some sort. After very carefully approaching, I looked inside.

The actual garbage is nearly invisible now, with only the barest outlines showing through the muck. If you listen closely, you can hear a heartbeat. There's some gunk developing around the rim that'll probably end up being the mouth.

So yes, it seems my puked-up burrito is growing into a monster, and I seem to be all right with that. Weird.

2010-08-23T12:09:00.000-07:00

Shit. SHIT!

I know this isn't terribly long after my last post, but I swear to God that thing just made a noise.

Overflow

2010-08-23T11:48:00.000-07:00

Well, in the few hours I was at work, The former Burrito slop has gotten even bigger. It's at the point now where it's overflowing out of the top of the can and dripping onto the floor. I've looked inside, and some of the trash has shifted places again. There's a long strand of goo that's connected by a mold-covered straw to a plastic bag filled with a dark purple fluid. There are some other things in there that I can't get as good a look at, as well as the acid pit at the bottom, which is now faintly glowing and partially enclosed by juicy membranes.

...

I'm not saying these things are organs, but that's exactly what they look like, and it's freaking me out. What's worse, the bits of the slop that have dripped over the rim are harder than the rest of it, and are almost perfectly symetrical. So I'm thinking this thing is alive, somehow.

Bad and Getting Worse

2010-08-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

I checked on the can this morning, and sweet Jesus is it nasty. I had an idea about moving it, but the bag is all wet with... Something.

As for the inside of the can, it's worse than before. There's a thick layer of crusty slime all over everything. I tired removing a piece (with gloves, of course), but it's stuck firmly to the wall of goo. Oddly enough, most of the trash has been somehow shoved to the sides of the can, allowing you to look straight to the bottom, where a strange green juice has begun to gather. I spit in it to see what would happen.

There was a sizzling noise, and some stream rose up. If I didn't know any better, I'd say it was developing digestive juices...

More information as it develops.

WTF?!

2010-08-22T15:01:00.000-07:00

This is getting really, really weird.

The burrito slop was at the bottom of my trashcan just this morning. It seemed larger than it was yesterday, but I assumed my imagination was playing tricks on me. Clearly, I was wrong. There's no doubt about it-it's absolutly getting bigger. After digging for it yesterday, I re-covered it with the rest of the trash. As of five minutes ago, pretty much everything in that can is covered with disgusting brownish-yellow slime.

Whatever I spit up the other day was no ordinary burrito. It's now taken over my trashcan. Maybe I'm a sucker for punishment, but I'm going to wait until tomarrow and see how big it gets.

Burrito Follow-Up

2010-08-22T07:37:00.000-07:00

I checked the trash can yesterday, and it turns out the chewed-up burrito didn't disappear; it just leaked through the trash down to the bottom of the can. Thing is, it seems to be getting bigger. There's more of it now than there was yesterday...

... Could it be growing?

I know what this blog is for

2010-08-21T15:49:00.000-07:00

So... I finally know what I'm doing here. Earlier on it was just reviews of random stuff, but now I have something of note to talk about:

Anyone who's ever eaten at Taco Bell knows that the burritos literally look like shit. We close our eyes and swallow it down, knowing it's shit, but ignoring our instincts because of how cheap it is. Today, I ate a Taco Bell burrito. About halfway through, I was swallowing a chewed-up chunk of it when The fucker leaped out of my mouth.

It wasn't puking, exactly; a bit of it literally just slid up my throat and shot out of my mouth. Thankfully, the trash can was right there to catch the disgusting thing. After I got back from rigorously washing my mouth out, I looked in the trash can to find that the little ball of dark, yellowish slime had vanished.

So either I imagined the whole thing, or it moved by itself.

My little brother is awesome

2010-04-01T18:41:00.000-07:00

2 days ago, my little brother did something in school (Catholic school, at that) that I would have never had the balls to do.

Before the class starts, the kids have to say their goofy pre-class prayer. During this prater, naturally, everyone either has their heads down or their eyes closed. My brother is aware of this, and uses the time to slowly unbutton his shirt. After they're done praying, but before the class really begins, my brother slams his hand on his desk, stands up, and says (this is an exact quote):

"Wait!"

(at which point there was scilence in the room.)

My supersonic hearing detects something! The city needs me!"

At which point he rips open his dress shirt, revealing the Superman shirt beneath.

Surprisingly, he did not get in trouble. My guess is that it was too damn awesome for them to punish.

Ladies and Gentlemen...

2010-03-25T10:26:00.000-07:00

... The stupidest match in Pro Wrestling history.

This isn't just stupid; it's stupid by the standards of pro wrestling. And yet, it's also hilarious. Maybe it's the dogs who are so vicious that they can be led around on a leash without a muzzle, maybe it's the hilarious commentary by Mick Foley and Kevin "The big fat hermaphrodite" Kelly where even they seem to realise what an insanely idiotic spectacle is taking place in front of them.

I think it's the storyline leading up to the match that really takes the cake. The Big Boss Man ground Al Snow's dog "Pepper" into chili and fed it to him. Katie Vick has NOTHING on this.

Rammstein's "Pussy" video

2010-03-18T22:59:00.001-07:00

I know I'm about a year late on this, but I finally saw Rammstein's music video for the song "Pussy." At first there's a sense of "Wait, is this all? Is this what everyone was so riled up about?" There was nudity, sure, but it mostly amounted to a few breasts and some suggestive posing, nothing like what the title would lead you to believe. Then, as the video winds down, WHAM! you're barraged with images of full-on penetration.

And you'd think that's what makes it weird, but it's not (we're talking about Rammstein, after all). What makes it weird is that the sexy bits are interspersed with super close-up images of Till Lindemann's face screaming that he "has a deek-ah!" The video starts going porn-angryGermanguy-porn-angryGermanguy
and your libido is like "wait, what?"

Beyond that it's not a very interesting video. Song's pretty catchy, though.

Here goes nothing...

2010-03-13T09:32:00.000-08:00

I have no idea what this blog is going to be about, so here's Batman fighting a Shark in the meantime:

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kuc7n2hjYV1qa8vero1_400.jpg