I don't need it, I tell you. I have evolved beyond sleepytime. Yes. This means I can have milk and cookies any damn time I want.
LET THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY KNOW THE ACID TASTE OF FEAR.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Planet of the Apes Was The Shit
This has nothing to do with the post about bears I was making, but holy fuck. ROTPOTA was awesome, especially since I get to call it "ROTPOTA," which sounds like a rejected Pokemon. It also sounds vaguely diseased to me.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
BEARPOCALYPSE
BUILDING MACHINES AND WHAT THEY DO: Charming children's book, or chilling tome foretelling the Apocalypse?
At the humble age of 5, I received the aforementioned book for Christmas. In my youth, I saw it only as a cute story designed to teach kids about construction equipment. Coming back to it in my adulthood, a much more sinister narrative reveals itself.
You will note that the book's illustrations are mostly realistic save for one bizarre turn from reality: the complete lack of human beings. Other animals such as birds and dolphins are present, but humanity is nowhere to be found. In our place, as if it were the most normal thing in the world, are cartoon bears.
The titular building machines are suggestive of late 20th/early 21st century manufacture. They are almost exactly as they were presumably left. Whatever caused humanity to disappear, it must have happened quickly.
TO BE CONTINUED...
At the humble age of 5, I received the aforementioned book for Christmas. In my youth, I saw it only as a cute story designed to teach kids about construction equipment. Coming back to it in my adulthood, a much more sinister narrative reveals itself.
You will note that the book's illustrations are mostly realistic save for one bizarre turn from reality: the complete lack of human beings. Other animals such as birds and dolphins are present, but humanity is nowhere to be found. In our place, as if it were the most normal thing in the world, are cartoon bears.
The titular building machines are suggestive of late 20th/early 21st century manufacture. They are almost exactly as they were presumably left. Whatever caused humanity to disappear, it must have happened quickly.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Musings on the Cuban Missile Crisis
The recently-released trailer for the new X-Men film has revealed that the story takes place during the Cuban Missile Crisis. This prompted me to google the Cuban Missile Crisis (I learn history only through movie trailers; I didn't even know 9/11 happened until United 93 came out). I though it was a pretty impressive piece of history, but Crabby has some issues with it in regards to it's accuracy. I'll let him take it from here:
Dear Soft Flesh-Things,
I have seen your trailer for your latest sexy explosion adventure, and it troubles me that you pass these "X-Men" off as the secret reason for the Cuban Missile Crisis. Clearly, you know not of the Kennedy sex-bot.
Your President Kennedy was not a man, but an android suit piloted by a super-intelligent cat known as the Right Honorable Mr. Jingledinglepoo. Cultures around the world tell tales of the unrivaled sexual prowess of this cat. The Kennedy suit, being designed by him, naturally included the most perfect penis in the history of the world.
Ever aspect of the robocock had been slaved over for years; the thickness, the length, the width... Every individual cell of the robocock was rigorously tested until the most perfect combination possible was achieved. Even the number of individual atoms was taken into account.
Those who joke about JFK's erotic conquests know nothing; the suit had bed well over 6000 women before being introduced to Marylin Monroe, and hundreds more after. Nikita Khrushchev, as is well-reported in Secret Histories the world over, was a sexual connoisseur of the highest caliber. He fucked and he was fucked, but he took no pleasure and held no bias; he stood instead as a detached observer, judging each encounter on it's own merits.
He was a harsh critic. A single mistimed pelvic thrust would be noted and cataloged forever in the secret Soviet Sexbook, forever besmirching the thruster's reputation by symbolically destroying their mojo.
Khrushchev had heard tales of the sex-bot, and the entire Cuban Missile Crisis was a sham concocted to test the erotic whiles of the Sexbot. There are no records of what was said during their secret meeting, save for two lines told to me by Mr. Jingledinglepoo at a bar in Cairo:
KHRUSHCHEV: I must break you.
KENNEDY: The only thing that'll be broken by the end of this will be your heart.
What followed is literally indescribable, as it transcended the mortal world into what is known by the Inuit as "Kalukadackdooka" or "The Really, Really, Really Good Fuck." Only a single point was deducted from Kennedy's performance, due to his unfortunate tendency to yell "Oh my er, ah, GOD!" after every third ass slap. Humans, this man's sexual promiscuity saved your lives. Look grateful.
In Eternal Pinchy Contempt,
THE CRAB
Dear Soft Flesh-Things,
I have seen your trailer for your latest sexy explosion adventure, and it troubles me that you pass these "X-Men" off as the secret reason for the Cuban Missile Crisis. Clearly, you know not of the Kennedy sex-bot.
Your President Kennedy was not a man, but an android suit piloted by a super-intelligent cat known as the Right Honorable Mr. Jingledinglepoo. Cultures around the world tell tales of the unrivaled sexual prowess of this cat. The Kennedy suit, being designed by him, naturally included the most perfect penis in the history of the world.
Ever aspect of the robocock had been slaved over for years; the thickness, the length, the width... Every individual cell of the robocock was rigorously tested until the most perfect combination possible was achieved. Even the number of individual atoms was taken into account.
Those who joke about JFK's erotic conquests know nothing; the suit had bed well over 6000 women before being introduced to Marylin Monroe, and hundreds more after. Nikita Khrushchev, as is well-reported in Secret Histories the world over, was a sexual connoisseur of the highest caliber. He fucked and he was fucked, but he took no pleasure and held no bias; he stood instead as a detached observer, judging each encounter on it's own merits.
He was a harsh critic. A single mistimed pelvic thrust would be noted and cataloged forever in the secret Soviet Sexbook, forever besmirching the thruster's reputation by symbolically destroying their mojo.
Khrushchev had heard tales of the sex-bot, and the entire Cuban Missile Crisis was a sham concocted to test the erotic whiles of the Sexbot. There are no records of what was said during their secret meeting, save for two lines told to me by Mr. Jingledinglepoo at a bar in Cairo:
KHRUSHCHEV: I must break you.
KENNEDY: The only thing that'll be broken by the end of this will be your heart.
What followed is literally indescribable, as it transcended the mortal world into what is known by the Inuit as "Kalukadackdooka" or "The Really, Really, Really Good Fuck." Only a single point was deducted from Kennedy's performance, due to his unfortunate tendency to yell "Oh my er, ah, GOD!" after every third ass slap. Humans, this man's sexual promiscuity saved your lives. Look grateful.
In Eternal Pinchy Contempt,
THE CRAB
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Yes, it's really me.
I would never do something so reckless as lose a password, and am offended by the implication.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
I'm Back
Well, I'm finally back. If you're wondering what happened to the crab monster fused to my back, I finally managed to scrape it off after a tussle with the local police. Officer Daniels, I'm sorry about the eggs laid in your chest cavity. Rest assured, I'm going to do the right thing here; the child support's in the mail.
Regular readers (as if there were any) will be excited to know that the crab monster has made a full recovery. He's also regained sentience, which means I can finally get some answers out of him. Watch this space.
Regular readers (as if there were any) will be excited to know that the crab monster has made a full recovery. He's also regained sentience, which means I can finally get some answers out of him. Watch this space.
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