A Funny Thing Happened to Me...

If you’re wondering where I’ve been, I was held up by something unexpected.

Apparently, the monster could spit digestive enzymes. Intelligent burrito-derived crustacean that it is, it got the bright idea to spit all over itself to melt it’s chains. It’s a clever one, I’ll give it that. Me, on the other hand? I’m painfully stupid.

You see, I didn’t notice that the creature’s chains had been melted when I came down to feed it. The little rat bastard waited for me to get close, and then charged. I’m not mad, though. Considering it’s behavior the last time it got lose, I was expected the worst. It didn’t eat me, though; it attached itself to me.

Yes, I was surprised too. It seems to be a benevolent, believe it or not. You can see how I would have thought otherwise at first, given how unbelievably painful the process was, but it’s better this way; no need to spend weeks learning to communicate when you share a nervous system, right? Right.

Walking around was a little difficult at first, what with the big green crab monster fused to my spinal cord, but we’ve gotten used to it.

Hell, I don’t know if it’s “we” or “I” anymore… We’re technically two organisms, but we’re sharing nutrients, immune systems, memories, and damn near everything else. It’s a symbiotic relationship. It’s pretty cool, besides the constant thirst, but we’re working on that.

…

Oh, Crabby has something he’d like to say:

“STUPID PRIMATES WHO CALL HOUSE, CEASE TELEMARKETING. I HAVE NO NEED OF YOUR SHOES. MY CRAB FEET ARE SPIKY AND POWERFUL; I NEED NOT YOUR RUNNING SHOES. I WALK THROUGH THE SHARPEST CORAL WITH NO FEAR OF HARM. MY SHELL CANNOT BE BROKEN BY YOUR FLESHY MEAT-HANDS. I WILL PINCH WHOEVER APPROACHES. I AM THE CRAB.”

He thinks they’re trying to eat him, which would be funny if his aggression pheromones weren’t seeping into my system. I kind of want to kill something and lay eggs in it right now, but he says that will pass.