Dinosaurs are Better than Dragons

I saw some people discussing whether dragons were cooler than dinosaurs, and I had one of those moments when you realize just how far your finger is from the pulse of the zeitgeist. Folks, this ain't even a contest. Dragons are cool, don't get me wrong, but dinosaurs are clearly superior.

For starters, dinosaurs had the benefit of actually existing. That's an advantage, I find.

Really, the fact that they existed is what makes them cool. Go to a museum with a mounted T-rex skeleton, and you can be assured that those same bones were inside a living, breathing animal at some point 66 million years ago. Think about that for a second. I know it’s something we all know, but really think about it. There was a time on this planet-the same planet you and I are currently on-where there were T. rexes just walking around. Holy shit!

Now, this will usually be the point where someone suggests that a dragon could beat a T. rex in a fight.

Well, OK, but that’s a bit like saying that Goku could beat Muhammad Ali in a fight. I mean, yes, if Goku were real, he would win... But he’s not real, and he does things that are blatantly impossible in real life. You might as well say that Cthulhu could beat Muhammad Ali in a fight.

Dinosaurs, being real animals, were (like every other real thing) bound by the laws of physics. Everything cool about them (sickle claws, banana-sized teeth, frills, crests, horns and so on) evolved naturally and requires no hand-waving to explain.

T. rex’s bite force was re-evaluated recently. This is normally the part where the reality behind the legend rears its ugly head and makes it much less cool, but no; Turns they had actually underestimated it’s bite force. It actually had the strongest bite force of any land animal ever. It also had better eyesight than humans, a stupidly powerful sense of smell, could move faster than previously believed, and had a behemoth dick.

It was, scientifically speaking, the baddest motherfucker on the planet.

Compare that to dragons, which require a mountain of bullshit to work properly. They’re too big to use the wings, breathing fire doesn’t make any goddamn sense, no lineage of reptiles has six limbs... Their creators have to rely on magic, or, if they’re trying to bring some verisimilitude to the proceedings, rreeeaaaaaaally questionable biology.

Like, remember that “Fantasy Made Real” TV special on Animal Planet several years back? Remember their “realistic” dragon? How stupid was that thing? It had a big sack of flammable gas in its gut to stay airborne and breath fire, and super hollowed-out bones, and a slender, fragile neck, and loads of other anatomical features that scream “PLEASE KILL ME WITH YOUR BANANA-SIZED TEETH, T. REX!”

T. rex didn't need wings, flame breath, or even functional arms to kill things; it would literally just run at it's prey, opening and closing it's mouth until they were dead. And the prey in question was sometimes Triceratops! How hardcore is that? That's like a guy with no arms charging a guy with knives taped to his face and biting him to death.

In closing, T. rex was the coolest animal ever, and anyone who disagrees is a big fat poopyhead.

A scientific drawing of my innermost thoughts

Pretty standard for my generation, I think. ADD + isolation + an internet connection = some thoughts that are really interesting if you're high but kinda stupid at any other time. Ever wonder what would happen if Christopher Hitchens did the DVD commentary for the Power Rangers movie? Didn't think so. Actually, on second thought, that sounds pretty cool. Fuck, someone get on that.

... I've just remembered that Christopher Hitchens is dead, so we can't do this. I mean, we probably couldn't have made this happen even if he was still alive, but I think you'll agree that our chances of success would have been slightly higher.

I wonder if, at some point in the future, technology will progress to the point where you could just write an AI programmed with a voice based on audio recordings of Christopher Hitchens, and then direct said AI to provide commentary as the Power Ranger movie played. That would be hilarious. Although really, you'd hope that with technology that advanced, medical science would advance to the point where they* could just revive him from the dead like in that one issue of Alan Moore's run on Miracleman (SEE? COMIC BOOKS!) and then have him do it.

Then again, this presents the same problem we would have had if he were hypothetically still alive, which is that he'd probably be unwilling to provide commentary to the Power Rangers movie. In that case, maybe the AI solution would be best, though that raises the question of whether or not Hitchens would own the copyright on an AI based on and sounding like himself. I guess whether or not the AI were sentient would be the deciding factor, but I don't feel like contemplating that scenario, because it sounds like a really bad episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

The point is: The movie goes "I AM LORD ZEDD, SWORN ENEMY OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT" and Hitchens be like "Rather like the mullahs in Iran, I think."

... Shit, I would need to be high for this to be funny. Never mind.



*- "They" are presumably the weird futuristic cult who base their entire worldview upon this blog and the asinine ideas contained therein.