Back From Monster Bludgeoning

I've got a message for William Q. Richards of Will's Wacky Weapons Emporium & Spa:

YOU SON OF A BITCH. That "genuine Native American tomahawk" you sold me broke after one swing. I don't know if you were aware, but I was fighting a goddamn burrito monster at the time; I didn't need the additional stress of having to do it with a wooden stick. As the lovely little abomination was preparing to digest my face, I threw the stick, which thankfully hit the shelf and knocked over the old TV, which knocked the monster out.

I'm fine, by the way. Y'know, couple deep lacerations, no big deal, right? I mean, who needs weapons when you can pull some Rube Goldberg shit? CAN I GET AN AMEN?!

FUCK ME!

It's eaten the baseball bat. Now that I think of it, the Tomahawk was probably a better choice for fighting a monster off. Live and learn, I guess. Back in a minute...

Oh, God...

I'm currently typign this from the closet (thank God for laptops). It's broken out of the back room. I don't know if I can fight it off. It's grown to the point where the plastic can is ready to break; I can already see cracks forming in it. I am again reminded of a hermit crab. When they get too big, the shed them, and seek out a new home. And I'm sure you know that. but

It's eaten the cat. Fuck.

I have no idea what my plan of attack will be, but I know it will involve this baseball bat...

Thumping Sound...

I was getting ready to leave for work when I heard a thumping sound from the back room. Curious, I opened the door to find the burrito creature attempting to walk. It's like a baby deer right now, barely able to coordinate even 2 of it's 6 legs.

Something I've noticed lately is the can itself. It's expanded outwards due to the size of the creature within )it reminds me of a hermit crab a little). It's not a huge can, but it does go up to my knees. My point in mentioning this is that the if the creature gets much bigger than this, it could become dangerous. I'll have to find out what it's intentions are. Wish me luck.

New Developments

I just looked in on it, and it's legs are developing faster than I expected. It currently has something like club feet, but I suspect that will change as it grows. The opening of the can has been almost completely covered by what appears to be a circular mouth. There is something moving inside of it, but I'm not stupid enough to reach in and find out. I am apparently stupid enough to leave this thing alive, but there it is.

It's moving around and making noises regularly. I suspect it will want to stretch it's legs before too long which will be a problem, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, I've been feeding it dog food and given it plenty of space.

It's Alive

It's begun moving around on it's own. It can't go far because it's so underdeveloped, but that won't last. It's "feelers" keep getting bigger, and I suspect they'll grow into full-on legs before too long. I locked it in the back room before things got out of control, and let me tell you: the little bastard is stronger than it looks. I managed to get it in there, and will observe it more carefully in the future. And by that I mean "crack the door, take a look, and run like hell."

I'm telling you, those legs are going to be trouble.


If you need me, I'll be off cleaning the shit out of my pants. I can only hope THAT doesn't attain sentience, too.

More Noise, and Some Other Things...

The thing in the can is making noises pretty regularly now. It's a gurgling noise, like an empty stomach. The bits out over the sides have extended and hardened; they look like they'll grow into feelers of some sort. After very carefully approaching, I looked inside.

The actual garbage is nearly invisible now, with only the barest outlines showing through the muck. If you listen closely, you can hear a heartbeat. There's some gunk developing around the rim that'll probably end up being the mouth.

So yes, it seems my puked-up burrito is growing into a monster, and I seem to be all right with that. Weird.