Yes, it's really me.

I would never do something so reckless as lose a password, and am offended by the implication.

I'm Back

Well, I'm finally back. If you're wondering what happened to the crab monster fused to my back, I finally managed to scrape it off after a tussle with the local police. Officer Daniels, I'm sorry about the eggs laid in your chest cavity. Rest assured, I'm going to do the right thing here; the child support's in the mail.

Regular readers (as if there were any) will be excited to know that the crab monster has made a full recovery. He's also regained sentience, which means I can finally get some answers out of him. Watch this space.

A Funny Thing Happened to Me...

If you’re wondering where I’ve been, I was held up by something unexpected.

Apparently, the monster could spit digestive enzymes. Intelligent burrito-derived crustacean that it is, it got the bright idea to spit all over itself to melt it’s chains. It’s a clever one, I’ll give it that. Me, on the other hand? I’m painfully stupid.

You see, I didn’t notice that the creature’s chains had been melted when I came down to feed it. The little rat bastard waited for me to get close, and then charged. I’m not mad, though. Considering it’s behavior the last time it got lose, I was expected the worst. It didn’t eat me, though; it attached itself to me.

Yes, I was surprised too. It seems to be a benevolent, believe it or not. You can see how I would have thought otherwise at first, given how unbelievably painful the process was, but it’s better this way; no need to spend weeks learning to communicate when you share a nervous system, right? Right.

Walking around was a little difficult at first, what with the big green crab monster fused to my spinal cord, but we’ve gotten used to it.

Hell, I don’t know if it’s “we” or “I” anymore… We’re technically two organisms, but we’re sharing nutrients, immune systems, memories, and damn near everything else. It’s a symbiotic relationship. It’s pretty cool, besides the constant thirst, but we’re working on that.

…

Oh, Crabby has something he’d like to say:

“STUPID PRIMATES WHO CALL HOUSE, CEASE TELEMARKETING. I HAVE NO NEED OF YOUR SHOES. MY CRAB FEET ARE SPIKY AND POWERFUL; I NEED NOT YOUR RUNNING SHOES. I WALK THROUGH THE SHARPEST CORAL WITH NO FEAR OF HARM. MY SHELL CANNOT BE BROKEN BY YOUR FLESHY MEAT-HANDS. I WILL PINCH WHOEVER APPROACHES. I AM THE CRAB.”

He thinks they’re trying to eat him, which would be funny if his aggression pheromones weren’t seeping into my system. I kind of want to kill something and lay eggs in it right now, but he says that will pass.

The Monster Has Shed It's Skin

Oddly enough, it doesn't look much bigger. In fact, I'd say it's sleeker, more streamlined than before. Probably faster, which I'm none too pleased with. It's skin is bright green, with a texture like the skin of a kiwi fruit. I'm goign to feed it; I'll be back with more info after.

I know, I know...

I know I said I was going to finally interrogate the monster last night, but I got this horrible feeling that if I opened the door to the basement, the hermit would be standing there. You try opening a door with that knowledge.

I need to drink something like mad...

Another Strange Dream

This time I was on the run from a bootcamp. Except the bootcamp was also a fast food training facility of some kind, where they opened these garage doors and there was a huge desert. "This will be your life" they said. I hated it because there was no water.

I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in a fast food joint, so I ran. Someone in a plastic Chihuahua mask was driving a golf cart with no roof that I managed to climb on to. We outran the Taco facists until falling into a giant many-angled trashcan.

We emerged in some sort of tunnel, which led back into my old living room, allowing it to dovetail into the original dream. I didn't open the door this time, but knew the crab monster was watching me from the rain. My last thought before waking up was "God, am I thirsty..."

I woke up on the floor, by the way.

It Just Occured To Me

... Why aren't I more freaked out by the fact that I have a big crab monster chained up in my basement? Why didn't I call the cops as soon as the burrito started taking over my trash can? Why did I let it live after it tried to kill me? Most importantly, why the hell am I only thinking this now?

I'm feeding it, keeping it alive, and keeping it sheltered, and I have no idea why. Something's going on here. This is bigger than fast food becoming self-aware. That creature, whatever it is, knows something, and it's going to spill the beans (no pun intended) or I'm going to do... I don't know, something.