"BURS IN HEL AFDTER BEINGJ REPEATLY RAPED AND SODOMIZED ALONG WITH HER GOD DAMN PIT BULL!!!! I HOPE YOU ALL DIE AND GO TO HELL!"
Then fuck off.
"You have YOUREN NERVE TALKING BAOUT ME!!!!"
Sorry? Aren't you the one who came to my blog unprovoked and told me to burn in hell?
"MY KIDS HATE ME"
Can't imagine why.
Anyway, later there was more irrelevant babble about dogs or whatever. Let me first commend you on how much better your spelling was this time around, and then politely ask that you stop posting here.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
COMING SOON...
THE IDIONTS OF ASHAMEAD AND THE CURSE OF THE BELOONG
THE HOPEL OF BURS-AFDTER
YOUREN BAOUT AND THE UNDERTANS OF ANOLY
...
Well, I thought it was funny.
THE HOPEL OF BURS-AFDTER
YOUREN BAOUT AND THE UNDERTANS OF ANOLY
...
Well, I thought it was funny.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Point-by-Point
I got an angry comment regarding my "Bad Night... IN HELL!!!" story. Rather than have a Big Stupid Internet Fight about it, I'm going to take it point by point and try to explain to this person (who will remain nameless) why I disagree with his/her points.
"Oh that is just disgusting!"
I agree; that's why it's funny. It's certainly not for everyone, and I understand completely if you found it to be in poor taste. That was kind of the point. I nearly got my ass kicked by a bunch of idiots, and so wrote this story to amuse myself.
"yOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMEaD OF YOURSELF FOR POSTING SUCK GARrrBAGE!"
Umm... No. It's a joke. A stupid, juvenile joke, no doubt, but a joke nonetheless. I realize it's not everyone's cup of tea, which is why I decided to put up the 18+ warning so people know ahead of time that there's potentially upsetting content.
"How culd you ave something like this arund the intrnert?!"
The Internet, as we all know, is normally a bastion of good taste. But seriously, have you SEEN some of the shit on places like 4Chan, ED, etc.? The stuff on here is no more disgusting than the average South Park episode, and those are broadcast on national television. It's certainly in poor taste, but it's nothing society-destroying, as you suggest.
"aND TO THIHNK YOU COULD BE A FUTURE LEADER OF aMERIKA IS JUST HORRIFRYING Beyand all mesureQQ!"
Please don't be so condescending. I'm not claiming the story as high art; it's stupid. I know it's stupid, which is why, having an extremely immature sense of humor, I found it funny.
"YOU OUGHT TO BE THROWN IN JAIL FOR THIS!"
Really? You want to live in a country where people can be thrown in prison for writing stupid shit on the internet? I hear North Korea is lovely this time of year.
"You ArE the very peaple that Craven Desires talks abot!"
I'll admit I had to google "Craven Desires." It sounds like a porn star, but it's actually a blog about dog abuse. I don't see how that's relevant at all to posting a silly story on my blog. So no, I'm NOT the very people he/she talks about. I've never abused an animal, and I hate people who do. In case you didn't realize, what you read was a story. There aren't really sheep-fucking vampires running around.
"YoU beloong in hell"
Really? Eternal damnation? You've never met me. You "know" me through one stupid gross-out story I posted online. And that's enough to say I should be tortured for eternity. I think that says more about you than it does about me.
"Signed, (who cares), Who Hates Idionts AND PEOPLE WHO LOVE GUARDING/FIGHTING/Molestar Dogs!"
Once again, this person seems to be under the impression that I have somehow hurt dogs by posting a story about evil vampire jocks who gain sustenance from fucking sheep. I reiterate: I've never hurt a dog in my life.
I'll let "idionts" speak for itself.
"All of ypu deserve to be in jails abd heil student, child, Marine or otherwise!"
I have confess I have no idea what this part is supposed to say.
Bottom line, though: I'm sorry if I offended you, but I have every right to post goofy fiction on my blog. If you don't like it, don't read it. Just please don't spam the comments with nonsense.
Thanks,
Upchuck Von Googinheimer IV, King of the Moon.
"Oh that is just disgusting!"
I agree; that's why it's funny. It's certainly not for everyone, and I understand completely if you found it to be in poor taste. That was kind of the point. I nearly got my ass kicked by a bunch of idiots, and so wrote this story to amuse myself.
"yOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMEaD OF YOURSELF FOR POSTING SUCK GARrrBAGE!"
Umm... No. It's a joke. A stupid, juvenile joke, no doubt, but a joke nonetheless. I realize it's not everyone's cup of tea, which is why I decided to put up the 18+ warning so people know ahead of time that there's potentially upsetting content.
"How culd you ave something like this arund the intrnert?!"
The Internet, as we all know, is normally a bastion of good taste. But seriously, have you SEEN some of the shit on places like 4Chan, ED, etc.? The stuff on here is no more disgusting than the average South Park episode, and those are broadcast on national television. It's certainly in poor taste, but it's nothing society-destroying, as you suggest.
"aND TO THIHNK YOU COULD BE A FUTURE LEADER OF aMERIKA IS JUST HORRIFRYING Beyand all mesureQQ!"
Please don't be so condescending. I'm not claiming the story as high art; it's stupid. I know it's stupid, which is why, having an extremely immature sense of humor, I found it funny.
"YOU OUGHT TO BE THROWN IN JAIL FOR THIS!"
Really? You want to live in a country where people can be thrown in prison for writing stupid shit on the internet? I hear North Korea is lovely this time of year.
"You ArE the very peaple that Craven Desires talks abot!"
I'll admit I had to google "Craven Desires." It sounds like a porn star, but it's actually a blog about dog abuse. I don't see how that's relevant at all to posting a silly story on my blog. So no, I'm NOT the very people he/she talks about. I've never abused an animal, and I hate people who do. In case you didn't realize, what you read was a story. There aren't really sheep-fucking vampires running around.
"YoU beloong in hell"
Really? Eternal damnation? You've never met me. You "know" me through one stupid gross-out story I posted online. And that's enough to say I should be tortured for eternity. I think that says more about you than it does about me.
"Signed, (who cares), Who Hates Idionts AND PEOPLE WHO LOVE GUARDING/FIGHTING/Molestar Dogs!"
Once again, this person seems to be under the impression that I have somehow hurt dogs by posting a story about evil vampire jocks who gain sustenance from fucking sheep. I reiterate: I've never hurt a dog in my life.
I'll let "idionts" speak for itself.
"All of ypu deserve to be in jails abd heil student, child, Marine or otherwise!"
I have confess I have no idea what this part is supposed to say.
Bottom line, though: I'm sorry if I offended you, but I have every right to post goofy fiction on my blog. If you don't like it, don't read it. Just please don't spam the comments with nonsense.
Thanks,
Upchuck Von Googinheimer IV, King of the Moon.
18+ WARNING
Yes, there's now an 18+ screen you have to click through to see the blog. The AvP2 board has had some pretty young members in the past, so I didn't want them to wind up reading some of the raunchier stuff on here by accident.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Bad Night... IN HELL!!!!
EDIT: Having looked over Blogger's terms and conditions, I've found that this story (which involved me hunting down and killing affliction shirt-wearing vampires who fuck sheep for sustenance.) technically violated the rules. I've removed it.
But to the 3 people who regularly read this blog, fear not! I am currently re-working it to "censor" all the offensive content, which will involve replacing all instances of [POOPY], or references to [YAK FARTS] with far-more ridiculous words so as to bring it up to the Blogger standard.
I do this because I have entirely too much free time.
But to the 3 people who regularly read this blog, fear not! I am currently re-working it to "censor" all the offensive content, which will involve replacing all instances of [POOPY], or references to [YAK FARTS] with far-more ridiculous words so as to bring it up to the Blogger standard.
I do this because I have entirely too much free time.
Friday, October 7, 2011
SLEEP? HAHAHAHAHA. WHAT IS SLEEP?
I don't need it, I tell you. I have evolved beyond sleepytime. Yes. This means I can have milk and cookies any damn time I want.
LET THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY KNOW THE ACID TASTE OF FEAR.
LET THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY KNOW THE ACID TASTE OF FEAR.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Planet of the Apes Was The Shit
This has nothing to do with the post about bears I was making, but holy fuck. ROTPOTA was awesome, especially since I get to call it "ROTPOTA," which sounds like a rejected Pokemon. It also sounds vaguely diseased to me.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
BEARPOCALYPSE
BUILDING MACHINES AND WHAT THEY DO: Charming children's book, or chilling tome foretelling the Apocalypse?
At the humble age of 5, I received the aforementioned book for Christmas. In my youth, I saw it only as a cute story designed to teach kids about construction equipment. Coming back to it in my adulthood, a much more sinister narrative reveals itself.
You will note that the book's illustrations are mostly realistic save for one bizarre turn from reality: the complete lack of human beings. Other animals such as birds and dolphins are present, but humanity is nowhere to be found. In our place, as if it were the most normal thing in the world, are cartoon bears.
The titular building machines are suggestive of late 20th/early 21st century manufacture. They are almost exactly as they were presumably left. Whatever caused humanity to disappear, it must have happened quickly.
TO BE CONTINUED...
At the humble age of 5, I received the aforementioned book for Christmas. In my youth, I saw it only as a cute story designed to teach kids about construction equipment. Coming back to it in my adulthood, a much more sinister narrative reveals itself.
You will note that the book's illustrations are mostly realistic save for one bizarre turn from reality: the complete lack of human beings. Other animals such as birds and dolphins are present, but humanity is nowhere to be found. In our place, as if it were the most normal thing in the world, are cartoon bears.
The titular building machines are suggestive of late 20th/early 21st century manufacture. They are almost exactly as they were presumably left. Whatever caused humanity to disappear, it must have happened quickly.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Musings on the Cuban Missile Crisis
The recently-released trailer for the new X-Men film has revealed that the story takes place during the Cuban Missile Crisis. This prompted me to google the Cuban Missile Crisis (I learn history only through movie trailers; I didn't even know 9/11 happened until United 93 came out). I though it was a pretty impressive piece of history, but Crabby has some issues with it in regards to it's accuracy. I'll let him take it from here:
Dear Soft Flesh-Things,
I have seen your trailer for your latest sexy explosion adventure, and it troubles me that you pass these "X-Men" off as the secret reason for the Cuban Missile Crisis. Clearly, you know not of the Kennedy sex-bot.
Your President Kennedy was not a man, but an android suit piloted by a super-intelligent cat known as the Right Honorable Mr. Jingledinglepoo. Cultures around the world tell tales of the unrivaled sexual prowess of this cat. The Kennedy suit, being designed by him, naturally included the most perfect penis in the history of the world.
Ever aspect of the robocock had been slaved over for years; the thickness, the length, the width... Every individual cell of the robocock was rigorously tested until the most perfect combination possible was achieved. Even the number of individual atoms was taken into account.
Those who joke about JFK's erotic conquests know nothing; the suit had bed well over 6000 women before being introduced to Marylin Monroe, and hundreds more after. Nikita Khrushchev, as is well-reported in Secret Histories the world over, was a sexual connoisseur of the highest caliber. He fucked and he was fucked, but he took no pleasure and held no bias; he stood instead as a detached observer, judging each encounter on it's own merits.
He was a harsh critic. A single mistimed pelvic thrust would be noted and cataloged forever in the secret Soviet Sexbook, forever besmirching the thruster's reputation by symbolically destroying their mojo.
Khrushchev had heard tales of the sex-bot, and the entire Cuban Missile Crisis was a sham concocted to test the erotic whiles of the Sexbot. There are no records of what was said during their secret meeting, save for two lines told to me by Mr. Jingledinglepoo at a bar in Cairo:
KHRUSHCHEV: I must break you.
KENNEDY: The only thing that'll be broken by the end of this will be your heart.
What followed is literally indescribable, as it transcended the mortal world into what is known by the Inuit as "Kalukadackdooka" or "The Really, Really, Really Good Fuck." Only a single point was deducted from Kennedy's performance, due to his unfortunate tendency to yell "Oh my er, ah, GOD!" after every third ass slap. Humans, this man's sexual promiscuity saved your lives. Look grateful.
In Eternal Pinchy Contempt,
THE CRAB
Dear Soft Flesh-Things,
I have seen your trailer for your latest sexy explosion adventure, and it troubles me that you pass these "X-Men" off as the secret reason for the Cuban Missile Crisis. Clearly, you know not of the Kennedy sex-bot.
Your President Kennedy was not a man, but an android suit piloted by a super-intelligent cat known as the Right Honorable Mr. Jingledinglepoo. Cultures around the world tell tales of the unrivaled sexual prowess of this cat. The Kennedy suit, being designed by him, naturally included the most perfect penis in the history of the world.
Ever aspect of the robocock had been slaved over for years; the thickness, the length, the width... Every individual cell of the robocock was rigorously tested until the most perfect combination possible was achieved. Even the number of individual atoms was taken into account.
Those who joke about JFK's erotic conquests know nothing; the suit had bed well over 6000 women before being introduced to Marylin Monroe, and hundreds more after. Nikita Khrushchev, as is well-reported in Secret Histories the world over, was a sexual connoisseur of the highest caliber. He fucked and he was fucked, but he took no pleasure and held no bias; he stood instead as a detached observer, judging each encounter on it's own merits.
He was a harsh critic. A single mistimed pelvic thrust would be noted and cataloged forever in the secret Soviet Sexbook, forever besmirching the thruster's reputation by symbolically destroying their mojo.
Khrushchev had heard tales of the sex-bot, and the entire Cuban Missile Crisis was a sham concocted to test the erotic whiles of the Sexbot. There are no records of what was said during their secret meeting, save for two lines told to me by Mr. Jingledinglepoo at a bar in Cairo:
KHRUSHCHEV: I must break you.
KENNEDY: The only thing that'll be broken by the end of this will be your heart.
What followed is literally indescribable, as it transcended the mortal world into what is known by the Inuit as "Kalukadackdooka" or "The Really, Really, Really Good Fuck." Only a single point was deducted from Kennedy's performance, due to his unfortunate tendency to yell "Oh my er, ah, GOD!" after every third ass slap. Humans, this man's sexual promiscuity saved your lives. Look grateful.
In Eternal Pinchy Contempt,
THE CRAB
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