Dinosaurs are Better than Dragons

I saw some people discussing whether dragons were cooler than dinosaurs, and I had one of those moments when you realize just how far your finger is from the pulse of the zeitgeist. Folks, this ain't even a contest. Dragons are cool, don't get me wrong, but dinosaurs are clearly superior.

For starters, dinosaurs had the benefit of actually existing. That's an advantage, I find.

Really, the fact that they existed is what makes them cool. Go to a museum with a mounted T-rex skeleton, and you can be assured that those same bones were inside a living, breathing animal at some point 66 million years ago. Think about that for a second. I know it’s something we all know, but really think about it. There was a time on this planet-the same planet you and I are currently on-where there were T. rexes just walking around. Holy shit!

Now, this will usually be the point where someone suggests that a dragon could beat a T. rex in a fight.

Well, OK, but that’s a bit like saying that Goku could beat Muhammad Ali in a fight. I mean, yes, if Goku were real, he would win... But he’s not real, and he does things that are blatantly impossible in real life. You might as well say that Cthulhu could beat Muhammad Ali in a fight.

Dinosaurs, being real animals, were (like every other real thing) bound by the laws of physics. Everything cool about them (sickle claws, banana-sized teeth, frills, crests, horns and so on) evolved naturally and requires no hand-waving to explain.

T. rex’s bite force was re-evaluated recently. This is normally the part where the reality behind the legend rears its ugly head and makes it much less cool, but no; Turns they had actually underestimated it’s bite force. It actually had the strongest bite force of any land animal ever. It also had better eyesight than humans, a stupidly powerful sense of smell, could move faster than previously believed, and had a behemoth dick.

It was, scientifically speaking, the baddest motherfucker on the planet.

Compare that to dragons, which require a mountain of bullshit to work properly. They’re too big to use the wings, breathing fire doesn’t make any goddamn sense, no lineage of reptiles has six limbs... Their creators have to rely on magic, or, if they’re trying to bring some verisimilitude to the proceedings, rreeeaaaaaaally questionable biology.

Like, remember that “Fantasy Made Real” TV special on Animal Planet several years back? Remember their “realistic” dragon? How stupid was that thing? It had a big sack of flammable gas in its gut to stay airborne and breath fire, and super hollowed-out bones, and a slender, fragile neck, and loads of other anatomical features that scream “PLEASE KILL ME WITH YOUR BANANA-SIZED TEETH, T. REX!”

T. rex didn't need wings, flame breath, or even functional arms to kill things; it would literally just run at it's prey, opening and closing it's mouth until they were dead. And the prey in question was sometimes Triceratops! How hardcore is that? That's like a guy with no arms charging a guy with knives taped to his face and biting him to death.

In closing, T. rex was the coolest animal ever, and anyone who disagrees is a big fat poopyhead.

SUPERMAN'S DICK HURR DURR

Frank Miller is not well. Can we all agree on that? I mean, I haven't found any 100% confirmation of that, but compare a photo of him from 2005 to one from within the last year and I think it's pretty obvious. He's 58 years old; he looks 80. He has very little hair. He's skinny as hell and shockingly pale. He has weird bruises and bandages all over. He walks with a cane or is pushed in a wheelchair. When he gets prestigious awards, someone has to accept them on his behalf.

Incidentally, if you were to chart his public downfall, it lines up pretty good with his apparent illness. That he is only the co-writer on Dark Knight III should speak volumes; the man is sick.

The comic book fandom has apparently been struck with collective amnesia, because it's spent the last few weeks lining up to jeer and mock a sick person for daring to be creative through their illness.

This is the person who wrote Dark Knight Returns, Year One, Born Again, Martha Washington, Ronin, Sin City, Man Without Fear, and many others, and he's being mocked relentlessly for not being able to display the skill or finesse he once did.

I get it, he said some really stupid shit about Occupy Wall Street, and yes, Holy Terror was problematic as all hell. No one is denying that, and I'm not suggesting his illness excuses it. You wanna critique him for sexism or Islamophobia, that's perfectly legitimate; I'll be right there with you.

Don't you pretend for one second that's what this is about. This is juvenile, mean-spirited raspberry-blowing. This is a bunch of so-called fans of the genre lining up to mock the efforts of one of its pioneers at his lowest.

Ask yourselves: If he (knock on wood) doesn't get better, will this still be funny? Will your cute little Superdick jokes be worth it? Will you be OK with your Scans_Daily snark being the last thing you say about a legend? I hope so, for your sake.

A scientific drawing of my innermost thoughts

Pretty standard for my generation, I think. ADD + isolation + an internet connection = some thoughts that are really interesting if you're high but kinda stupid at any other time. Ever wonder what would happen if Christopher Hitchens did the DVD commentary for the Power Rangers movie? Didn't think so. Actually, on second thought, that sounds pretty cool. Fuck, someone get on that.

... I've just remembered that Christopher Hitchens is dead, so we can't do this. I mean, we probably couldn't have made this happen even if he was still alive, but I think you'll agree that our chances of success would have been slightly higher.

I wonder if, at some point in the future, technology will progress to the point where you could just write an AI programmed with a voice based on audio recordings of Christopher Hitchens, and then direct said AI to provide commentary as the Power Ranger movie played. That would be hilarious. Although really, you'd hope that with technology that advanced, medical science would advance to the point where they* could just revive him from the dead like in that one issue of Alan Moore's run on Miracleman (SEE? COMIC BOOKS!) and then have him do it.

Then again, this presents the same problem we would have had if he were hypothetically still alive, which is that he'd probably be unwilling to provide commentary to the Power Rangers movie. In that case, maybe the AI solution would be best, though that raises the question of whether or not Hitchens would own the copyright on an AI based on and sounding like himself. I guess whether or not the AI were sentient would be the deciding factor, but I don't feel like contemplating that scenario, because it sounds like a really bad episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

The point is: The movie goes "I AM LORD ZEDD, SWORN ENEMY OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT" and Hitchens be like "Rather like the mullahs in Iran, I think."

... Shit, I would need to be high for this to be funny. Never mind.



*- "They" are presumably the weird futuristic cult who base their entire worldview upon this blog and the asinine ideas contained therein.

Power Fucking Rangers

I give up.
For those of you who've pondered the question "What would happen if you made the most deliberately terrible, painfully obvious satire in the history of the planet?" you now have your answer: brain-dead fanboys slobber all over it without a trace of irony.