Dinosaurs are Better than Dragons

I saw some people discussing whether dragons were cooler than dinosaurs, and I had one of those moments when you realize just how far your finger is from the pulse of the zeitgeist. Folks, this ain't even a contest. Dragons are cool, don't get me wrong, but dinosaurs are clearly superior.

For starters, dinosaurs had the benefit of actually existing. That's an advantage, I find.

Really, the fact that they existed is what makes them cool. Go to a museum with a mounted T-rex skeleton, and you can be assured that those same bones were inside a living, breathing animal at some point 66 million years ago. Think about that for a second. I know it’s something we all know, but really think about it. There was a time on this planet-the same planet you and I are currently on-where there were T. rexes just walking around. Holy shit!

Now, this will usually be the point where someone suggests that a dragon could beat a T. rex in a fight.

Well, OK, but that’s a bit like saying that Goku could beat Muhammad Ali in a fight. I mean, yes, if Goku were real, he would win... But he’s not real, and he does things that are blatantly impossible in real life. You might as well say that Cthulhu could beat Muhammad Ali in a fight.

Dinosaurs, being real animals, were (like every other real thing) bound by the laws of physics. Everything cool about them (sickle claws, banana-sized teeth, frills, crests, horns and so on) evolved naturally and requires no hand-waving to explain.

T. rex’s bite force was re-evaluated recently. This is normally the part where the reality behind the legend rears its ugly head and makes it much less cool, but no; Turns they had actually underestimated it’s bite force. It actually had the strongest bite force of any land animal ever. It also had better eyesight than humans, a stupidly powerful sense of smell, could move faster than previously believed, and had a behemoth dick.

It was, scientifically speaking, the baddest motherfucker on the planet.

Compare that to dragons, which require a mountain of bullshit to work properly. They’re too big to use the wings, breathing fire doesn’t make any goddamn sense, no lineage of reptiles has six limbs... Their creators have to rely on magic, or, if they’re trying to bring some verisimilitude to the proceedings, rreeeaaaaaaally questionable biology.

Like, remember that “Fantasy Made Real” TV special on Animal Planet several years back? Remember their “realistic” dragon? How stupid was that thing? It had a big sack of flammable gas in its gut to stay airborne and breath fire, and super hollowed-out bones, and a slender, fragile neck, and loads of other anatomical features that scream “PLEASE KILL ME WITH YOUR BANANA-SIZED TEETH, T. REX!”

T. rex didn't need wings, flame breath, or even functional arms to kill things; it would literally just run at it's prey, opening and closing it's mouth until they were dead. And the prey in question was sometimes Triceratops! How hardcore is that? That's like a guy with no arms charging a guy with knives taped to his face and biting him to death.

In closing, T. rex was the coolest animal ever, and anyone who disagrees is a big fat poopyhead.

SUPERMAN'S DICK HURR DURR

Frank Miller is not well. Can we all agree on that? I mean, I haven't found any 100% confirmation of that, but compare a photo of him from 2005 to one from within the last year and I think it's pretty obvious. He's 58 years old; he looks 80. He has very little hair. He's skinny as hell and shockingly pale. He has weird bruises and bandages all over. He walks with a cane or is pushed in a wheelchair. When he gets prestigious awards, someone has to accept them on his behalf.

Incidentally, if you were to chart his public downfall, it lines up pretty good with his apparent illness. That he is only the co-writer on Dark Knight III should speak volumes; the man is sick.

The comic book fandom has apparently been struck with collective amnesia, because it's spent the last few weeks lining up to jeer and mock a sick person for daring to be creative through their illness.

This is the person who wrote Dark Knight Returns, Year One, Born Again, Martha Washington, Ronin, Sin City, Man Without Fear, and many others, and he's being mocked relentlessly for not being able to display the skill or finesse he once did.

I get it, he said some really stupid shit about Occupy Wall Street, and yes, Holy Terror was problematic as all hell. No one is denying that, and I'm not suggesting his illness excuses it. You wanna critique him for sexism or Islamophobia, that's perfectly legitimate; I'll be right there with you.

Don't you pretend for one second that's what this is about. This is juvenile, mean-spirited raspberry-blowing. This is a bunch of so-called fans of the genre lining up to mock the efforts of one of its pioneers at his lowest.

Ask yourselves: If he (knock on wood) doesn't get better, will this still be funny? Will your cute little Superdick jokes be worth it? Will you be OK with your Scans_Daily snark being the last thing you say about a legend? I hope so, for your sake.