A Funny Thing Happened to Me...

If you’re wondering where I’ve been, I was held up by something unexpected.

Apparently, the monster could spit digestive enzymes. Intelligent burrito-derived crustacean that it is, it got the bright idea to spit all over itself to melt it’s chains. It’s a clever one, I’ll give it that. Me, on the other hand? I’m painfully stupid.

You see, I didn’t notice that the creature’s chains had been melted when I came down to feed it. The little rat bastard waited for me to get close, and then charged. I’m not mad, though. Considering it’s behavior the last time it got lose, I was expected the worst. It didn’t eat me, though; it attached itself to me.

Yes, I was surprised too. It seems to be a benevolent, believe it or not. You can see how I would have thought otherwise at first, given how unbelievably painful the process was, but it’s better this way; no need to spend weeks learning to communicate when you share a nervous system, right? Right.

Walking around was a little difficult at first, what with the big green crab monster fused to my spinal cord, but we’ve gotten used to it.

Hell, I don’t know if it’s “we” or “I” anymore… We’re technically two organisms, but we’re sharing nutrients, immune systems, memories, and damn near everything else. It’s a symbiotic relationship. It’s pretty cool, besides the constant thirst, but we’re working on that.

…

Oh, Crabby has something he’d like to say:

“STUPID PRIMATES WHO CALL HOUSE, CEASE TELEMARKETING. I HAVE NO NEED OF YOUR SHOES. MY CRAB FEET ARE SPIKY AND POWERFUL; I NEED NOT YOUR RUNNING SHOES. I WALK THROUGH THE SHARPEST CORAL WITH NO FEAR OF HARM. MY SHELL CANNOT BE BROKEN BY YOUR FLESHY MEAT-HANDS. I WILL PINCH WHOEVER APPROACHES. I AM THE CRAB.”

He thinks they’re trying to eat him, which would be funny if his aggression pheromones weren’t seeping into my system. I kind of want to kill something and lay eggs in it right now, but he says that will pass.

The Monster Has Shed It's Skin

Oddly enough, it doesn't look much bigger. In fact, I'd say it's sleeker, more streamlined than before. Probably faster, which I'm none too pleased with. It's skin is bright green, with a texture like the skin of a kiwi fruit. I'm goign to feed it; I'll be back with more info after.

I know, I know...

I know I said I was going to finally interrogate the monster last night, but I got this horrible feeling that if I opened the door to the basement, the hermit would be standing there. You try opening a door with that knowledge.

I need to drink something like mad...

Another Strange Dream

This time I was on the run from a bootcamp. Except the bootcamp was also a fast food training facility of some kind, where they opened these garage doors and there was a huge desert. "This will be your life" they said. I hated it because there was no water.

I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in a fast food joint, so I ran. Someone in a plastic Chihuahua mask was driving a golf cart with no roof that I managed to climb on to. We outran the Taco facists until falling into a giant many-angled trashcan.

We emerged in some sort of tunnel, which led back into my old living room, allowing it to dovetail into the original dream. I didn't open the door this time, but knew the crab monster was watching me from the rain. My last thought before waking up was "God, am I thirsty..."

I woke up on the floor, by the way.

It Just Occured To Me

... Why aren't I more freaked out by the fact that I have a big crab monster chained up in my basement? Why didn't I call the cops as soon as the burrito started taking over my trash can? Why did I let it live after it tried to kill me? Most importantly, why the hell am I only thinking this now?

I'm feeding it, keeping it alive, and keeping it sheltered, and I have no idea why. Something's going on here. This is bigger than fast food becoming self-aware. That creature, whatever it is, knows something, and it's going to spill the beans (no pun intended) or I'm going to do... I don't know, something.

So Much For Sleep...

I guess I should have known better, but I tried to take sleeping pills to get some shut-eye. Big mistake.

I had a horrible nightmare. It began the same way as the hermit dream I told you about last time, except that this time, when the Chihuahua looks at me, he has no eyes. Dripping out of his eye sockets is the disgusting, brown and yellow shit-textured meat pulp that fills the average fast food burrito. He tells me in this horrible demonic voice:

"I WILL FUCK YOUR MIND."

The the fish is on the floor again, but the fish looks like me, and then suddenly I'm being cooked in an oven. I woke up, shot out of bed, and looked at the clock. It had only been about 15 minutes since I'd fallen alseep. It appears I'll be doing this instead of getting any rest. Joy.

Skin Shedding

I just got back from feeding it again, and I realised it's nearly free of the brownish slime. Now that it's skin is more visible, I can see how stretched out it is. It's definantly eating more regularly; It went through an entire box of dog food in just one day. I have a feeling that soon, like a cicada or a snake, it will shed it's old layer of skin so that it can finally become an adult. What comes after that I have no idea.

Besides the dreams, I've notcied another weird effect: I get really parched when I'm around the monster. As soon as I come back upstairs, I need to drink something. There must be 4 different jugs of orange juice in my refridgerator right now, and I'll probably have polished them all off by the end of the week.

One thing is clear: I am never ever eating at Taco Bell again.

Sleep Trouble

My sleep schedule is completely fucked.

Every time I try to go to sleep, it's the same vivid, hyper real dream: I'm in my old living room, and it's raining heavily outside. A hermit shows up at my door and asks for room and board. I say "the philosophical implications are bad" and then they guy isn't there. Suddenly I'm on my old couch in my living room, and the Taco Bell/Godzilla cross-promotion from 12 years ago comes on the TV. The one where the Chihuahua is going "Here, leezard leezard leezard..."?

Yeah, it's that commercial, expect the dog then looks right at me and says in Pinhead's voice "THIS WAS NOT FOR YOUR EYES" and then I don't have a body and am just watching a fish flop around on the carpet, which is on fire. Throughout the whole thing, there's a tapping sound I keep hearing. It isn’t actually coming from anywhere, but somehow, I know it's a hermit crab tapping on the glass of it's aquarium.

Every time I wake up from this dream, I feel an overwhelming urge to take a shower.

Physical Description

I just checked on the monster, so I figured I would describe what it looks like by now.

It's shed the can, which means you can finally see the rest of it. It's 6 long, crab-like legs are attatched to an oval-shaped body (I don't know how it ever fit in the trash can) that terminates into what looks like a stinger in the back.

Up front, in what apparently passes for a head, we've got a leathery pouch that houses the mouth. The actual mouth isn't visible because it's pulled into the pouch like a turtle, and I'm glad. It looks like a cross between one of those circular-mouthed eels and a spider. The skin's texture has changed; it's less burrito, more shellfish. There's still meaty slime all over it, but less than before.

When I came in to feed it, the creature seemed unusually calm. Almost smug, as crazy as that sounds.

Strange Dreams

I slept better than I expected, considering how many times I woke up last night. I kept having a strange dream where I was in a museum looking at a T-Rex skeleton when all of a sudden there's a TV next to me playing a non-stop loop of a burrito.

Then Jesus shows up, and he tells me that I should let a homeless dude sleep in my colon. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Update, Then Sleep

I've got the monster chained to the wall in the basement with the door barricaded. For some reason, I can't bring myself to kill it. I'm tired as hell after my little fight; I just want to sleep for right now.

And yes, I will have the baseball bat next to my bed as all times.

Back From Monster Bludgeoning

I've got a message for William Q. Richards of Will's Wacky Weapons Emporium & Spa:

YOU SON OF A BITCH. That "genuine Native American tomahawk" you sold me broke after one swing. I don't know if you were aware, but I was fighting a goddamn burrito monster at the time; I didn't need the additional stress of having to do it with a wooden stick. As the lovely little abomination was preparing to digest my face, I threw the stick, which thankfully hit the shelf and knocked over the old TV, which knocked the monster out.

I'm fine, by the way. Y'know, couple deep lacerations, no big deal, right? I mean, who needs weapons when you can pull some Rube Goldberg shit? CAN I GET AN AMEN?!

FUCK ME!

It's eaten the baseball bat. Now that I think of it, the Tomahawk was probably a better choice for fighting a monster off. Live and learn, I guess. Back in a minute...

Oh, God...

I'm currently typign this from the closet (thank God for laptops). It's broken out of the back room. I don't know if I can fight it off. It's grown to the point where the plastic can is ready to break; I can already see cracks forming in it. I am again reminded of a hermit crab. When they get too big, the shed them, and seek out a new home. And I'm sure you know that. but

It's eaten the cat. Fuck.

I have no idea what my plan of attack will be, but I know it will involve this baseball bat...

Thumping Sound...

I was getting ready to leave for work when I heard a thumping sound from the back room. Curious, I opened the door to find the burrito creature attempting to walk. It's like a baby deer right now, barely able to coordinate even 2 of it's 6 legs.

Something I've noticed lately is the can itself. It's expanded outwards due to the size of the creature within )it reminds me of a hermit crab a little). It's not a huge can, but it does go up to my knees. My point in mentioning this is that the if the creature gets much bigger than this, it could become dangerous. I'll have to find out what it's intentions are. Wish me luck.

New Developments

I just looked in on it, and it's legs are developing faster than I expected. It currently has something like club feet, but I suspect that will change as it grows. The opening of the can has been almost completely covered by what appears to be a circular mouth. There is something moving inside of it, but I'm not stupid enough to reach in and find out. I am apparently stupid enough to leave this thing alive, but there it is.

It's moving around and making noises regularly. I suspect it will want to stretch it's legs before too long which will be a problem, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, I've been feeding it dog food and given it plenty of space.

It's Alive

It's begun moving around on it's own. It can't go far because it's so underdeveloped, but that won't last. It's "feelers" keep getting bigger, and I suspect they'll grow into full-on legs before too long. I locked it in the back room before things got out of control, and let me tell you: the little bastard is stronger than it looks. I managed to get it in there, and will observe it more carefully in the future. And by that I mean "crack the door, take a look, and run like hell."

I'm telling you, those legs are going to be trouble.


If you need me, I'll be off cleaning the shit out of my pants. I can only hope THAT doesn't attain sentience, too.

More Noise, and Some Other Things...

The thing in the can is making noises pretty regularly now. It's a gurgling noise, like an empty stomach. The bits out over the sides have extended and hardened; they look like they'll grow into feelers of some sort. After very carefully approaching, I looked inside.

The actual garbage is nearly invisible now, with only the barest outlines showing through the muck. If you listen closely, you can hear a heartbeat. There's some gunk developing around the rim that'll probably end up being the mouth.

So yes, it seems my puked-up burrito is growing into a monster, and I seem to be all right with that. Weird.

Shit. SHIT!

I know this isn't terribly long after my last post, but I swear to God that thing just made a noise.

Overflow

Well, in the few hours I was at work, The former Burrito slop has gotten even bigger. It's at the point now where it's overflowing out of the top of the can and dripping onto the floor. I've looked inside, and some of the trash has shifted places again. There's a long strand of goo that's connected by a mold-covered straw to a plastic bag filled with a dark purple fluid. There are some other things in there that I can't get as good a look at, as well as the acid pit at the bottom, which is now faintly glowing and partially enclosed by juicy membranes.

...

I'm not saying these things are organs, but that's exactly what they look like, and it's freaking me out. What's worse, the bits of the slop that have dripped over the rim are harder than the rest of it, and are almost perfectly symetrical. So I'm thinking this thing is alive, somehow.

Bad and Getting Worse

I checked on the can this morning, and sweet Jesus is it nasty. I had an idea about moving it, but the bag is all wet with... Something.

As for the inside of the can, it's worse than before. There's a thick layer of crusty slime all over everything. I tired removing a piece (with gloves, of course), but it's stuck firmly to the wall of goo. Oddly enough, most of the trash has been somehow shoved to the sides of the can, allowing you to look straight to the bottom, where a strange green juice has begun to gather. I spit in it to see what would happen.

There was a sizzling noise, and some stream rose up. If I didn't know any better, I'd say it was developing digestive juices...

More information as it develops.

WTF?!

This is getting really, really weird.

The burrito slop was at the bottom of my trashcan just this morning. It seemed larger than it was yesterday, but I assumed my imagination was playing tricks on me. Clearly, I was wrong. There's no doubt about it-it's absolutly getting bigger. After digging for it yesterday, I re-covered it with the rest of the trash. As of five minutes ago, pretty much everything in that can is covered with disgusting brownish-yellow slime.

Whatever I spit up the other day was no ordinary burrito. It's now taken over my trashcan. Maybe I'm a sucker for punishment, but I'm going to wait until tomarrow and see how big it gets.

Burrito Follow-Up

I checked the trash can yesterday, and it turns out the chewed-up burrito didn't disappear; it just leaked through the trash down to the bottom of the can. Thing is, it seems to be getting bigger. There's more of it now than there was yesterday...

... Could it be growing?

I know what this blog is for

So... I finally know what I'm doing here. Earlier on it was just reviews of random stuff, but now I have something of note to talk about:

Anyone who's ever eaten at Taco Bell knows that the burritos literally look like shit. We close our eyes and swallow it down, knowing it's shit, but ignoring our instincts because of how cheap it is. Today, I ate a Taco Bell burrito. About halfway through, I was swallowing a chewed-up chunk of it when The fucker leaped out of my mouth.

It wasn't puking, exactly; a bit of it literally just slid up my throat and shot out of my mouth. Thankfully, the trash can was right there to catch the disgusting thing. After I got back from rigorously washing my mouth out, I looked in the trash can to find that the little ball of dark, yellowish slime had vanished.

So either I imagined the whole thing, or it moved by itself.