Dinosaurs are Better than Dragons

I saw some people discussing whether dragons were cooler than dinosaurs, and I had one of those moments when you realize just how far your finger is from the pulse of the zeitgeist. Folks, this ain't even a contest. Dragons are cool, don't get me wrong, but dinosaurs are clearly superior.

For starters, dinosaurs had the benefit of actually existing. That's an advantage, I find.

Really, the fact that they existed is what makes them cool. Go to a museum with a mounted T-rex skeleton, and you can be assured that those same bones were inside a living, breathing animal at some point 66 million years ago. Think about that for a second. I know it’s something we all know, but really think about it. There was a time on this planet-the same planet you and I are currently on-where there were T. rexes just walking around. Holy shit!

Now, this will usually be the point where someone suggests that a dragon could beat a T. rex in a fight.

Well, OK, but that’s a bit like saying that Goku could beat Muhammad Ali in a fight. I mean, yes, if Goku were real, he would win... But he’s not real, and he does things that are blatantly impossible in real life. You might as well say that Cthulhu could beat Muhammad Ali in a fight.

Dinosaurs, being real animals, were (like every other real thing) bound by the laws of physics. Everything cool about them (sickle claws, banana-sized teeth, frills, crests, horns and so on) evolved naturally and requires no hand-waving to explain.

T. rex’s bite force was re-evaluated recently. This is normally the part where the reality behind the legend rears its ugly head and makes it much less cool, but no; Turns they had actually underestimated it’s bite force. It actually had the strongest bite force of any land animal ever. It also had better eyesight than humans, a stupidly powerful sense of smell, could move faster than previously believed, and had a behemoth dick.

It was, scientifically speaking, the baddest motherfucker on the planet.

Compare that to dragons, which require a mountain of bullshit to work properly. They’re too big to use the wings, breathing fire doesn’t make any goddamn sense, no lineage of reptiles has six limbs... Their creators have to rely on magic, or, if they’re trying to bring some verisimilitude to the proceedings, rreeeaaaaaaally questionable biology.

Like, remember that “Fantasy Made Real” TV special on Animal Planet several years back? Remember their “realistic” dragon? How stupid was that thing? It had a big sack of flammable gas in its gut to stay airborne and breath fire, and super hollowed-out bones, and a slender, fragile neck, and loads of other anatomical features that scream “PLEASE KILL ME WITH YOUR BANANA-SIZED TEETH, T. REX!”

T. rex didn't need wings, flame breath, or even functional arms to kill things; it would literally just run at it's prey, opening and closing it's mouth until they were dead. And the prey in question was sometimes Triceratops! How hardcore is that? That's like a guy with no arms charging a guy with knives taped to his face and biting him to death.

In closing, T. rex was the coolest animal ever, and anyone who disagrees is a big fat poopyhead.